[Two Pronged] Worried about loved one who engages in risky sexual behavior

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Trigger warning: This article contains mentions of childhood sexual trauma.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I’m writing to humbly seek your guidance regarding a deeply personal concern about a loved one. Although he is in a committed relationship, he continues to engage in risky sexual behavior, including inappropriate conversations online, exchange of explicit photos, and trying to meet up. This pattern has also happened in his past relationship.

As his family, we’ve become increasingly worried. He recently shared that he was raped when he was young. While this painful revelation may explain some of his actions, we honestly don’t know how to support him in a way that encourages healing, while also acknowledging the harm he’s causing to others.

We’re also unsure if being fond of such behaviors is something some people experience without deeper concern or if it points to something more serious, like unresolved trauma or an addiction. He says he wants to change, but still ends up falling into the same patterns.

We are not seeking therapy or treatment from you directly, but we would be deeply grateful for any advice you can offer on what we can do as his loved ones, what steps we can take to help him, and how we might encourage him to seek the right kind of support.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this message, and for your continued work in helping Filipinos navigate difficult emotional and psychological experiences. Your voice has helped so many, and any guidance you can share would mean a lot to us.

With sincere respect,

Eva

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Dear Eva,

Thank you for your message.

What is risky sexual behavior? For you, it is broadly defined: anything incompatible with a committed relationship. For others, it might be rather more narrowly viewed, involving activities like unprotected sex or (non-consensual) BDSM.

It is, in other words, subjective. That said, inappropriate conversations online, exchange of explicit photos, and trying to meet up are certainly incompatible with a committed relationship and it is understandable that you should be concerned.

The question then arises: how best to help in these circumstances?

There are issues with boundaries and that truism of family therapy — it’s up to the individual concerned to want to change. You say your relative wants to change but hasn’t succeeded yet, hence your wish to help him somehow.

First, people generally react poorly if support is offered to fix their problems so frame your intervention as positively as possible: self-improvement, healing, developing healthier relationships.

However, you need to set the parameters of your support. You must make clear that you cannot condone actions that are harmful and you also need to ensure that you do not become complicit in keeping secrets (i.e., is your silence protecting him or enabling him?).

You have already identified professional help as the best option so convincing him of this is the best way forward. 

Remember, however, that ultimately, change is his responsibility. You can offer support and resources, but you cannot force change on him.

Best wishes,

JAF Baer

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Dear Eva,

Thank you very much for your letter. Such a wonderful and heartfelt letter that, we felt we had to answer it.

Among several reasons for our philosophy of what letters we choose to answer, is that the issue the letter writer feels should be addressed may not necessarily be the same problem that the person himself (let’s call him Martin) sees, as per Mr. Baer’s sharing how risky behavior may translate differently to different people.

Also, Martin might share his world view including how his experiences and his personal qualities may have gotten in the way of overcoming whatever it is he wants changed, which would be a better, more effective way to help him.

But Martin hasn’t written us; you have. So, despite this column’s space constraints, we will do our best: trying as much as possible to provide the guidance and perspective that would be most helpful to you and hopefully, also to Martin.  

According to several trauma professionals, “trauma is not what happens per se to the person; but how the person’s body (and soul) responds to it.”

Seeking professional help might be his best bet, but it is vital that he go to a trauma-informed therapist. Such professionals have been trained that when it comes to trauma, often and literally, “the body keeps the score.” 

The Body Keeps the Score (2015) is an excellent book by psychiatrist Bessel Van der Kolk who has said time and again that since trauma resides in the body, talk therapy is often not enough. Somatic therapy, which deals with the body, may work more directly and thus may help the person heal more quickly, is possibly the way to go.

Now to answer your specific questions:

(Is risky behavior) a. something some people experience without deeper concern OR b. does risky behavior necessarily point to something more serious, like unresolved trauma or an addiction? 

1. Yes, risky behavior can be experienced by people without deeper concern. The most likely are adolescent boys (13-25 approximately) whose brains are not fully developed and are thus particularly susceptible to heightened risk-taking and increased sensitivity to socially salient stimuli.
2. Not necessarily. Above is a case in point: Adolescents tend to engage in risky behavior, but it is always adolescent males who do things that can have long-lasting physical consequences, including death.

He says he wants to change, but still ends up falling into the same patterns.

While training in the UK to be a substance use adviser, one thing that was drummed into us was the repetition pattern of people who “problematically use” illegal substances (also risky behavior).

What steps can we (as his loved ones) take to help him, and how might we encourage him to seek the right kind of support?

The best answer I can give is something I picked up from I don’t know where: “Your nervous system doesn’t heal (from trauma) because time has passed. It heals when something safe and loving happens enough times for it to finally believe…it’s over now.”

Our dearest Eva, I am sure that the guidance we’ve shared here does not dive nearly deeply enough to answer all your concerns, but I hope it can be a start to your getting the best help so you can support Martin more effectively.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com