The dark secret that I hid while raising my daughter

The moment I knew with certainty that there was something wrong in my child on her third birthday, when she hid in our garage from the Princess of Disney that we rented to entertain her and her friends.

Rainy love watching magic princesses on TV screens and yearning for Sleeping Beauty to visit our home. Therefore, we proudly rented the former Disneyland, believing that we will win a kind of paternity and motherhood.

Instead, when Sleeping Beauty tried to give up rain, she withdrew, uncomfortable with eye connection and violation on her physical borders. We were not even asked for the departure Sleeping Beauty, and he ran it with an apology and a great advice. This rains were recently calmed down.

That night, Johnny and I understood something that we had never had: our daughter was not only shy or strange. She needed help.

During the first three years of Rainy, we noticed that she had avoided other children, struggling to deal with sounds, excitement and team play demands. As a baby, I hated Rainy to be detained or interact with it by strangers, or anyone not.

There was also this: the rain was failing in the abdomen. The abdomen time was a great topic in our children’s group. The pediatrician told us that the abdominal time is “very important to develop all children” and that sensory problems are usually the perpetrator when the child cannot perform the appropriate tasks. We were the only couple in our 3 -month -old group to reach an object with the involvement of her heart.

The time has gone forward, and other Rainy targeted landmarks have not been fulfilled, not by a long shot. In 18 months, she was still giving up the sounds that did not constitute words. In the looks of knowledge of other mothers, I felt anxious, fearful and judged.

After Rainy’s third birthday, we decided that we needed to see a specialist.

While waiting for weeks to make our appointment, I suddenly remembered that Percocet had described my doctor for postpartum cramping. I took two. Warm fog erases my fear and doubts, and replace them with something very close to confidence, or at least a lighter spirit.

The pill was also clean. No smell, no taste, no detection. They allowed me to escape the fear that I was not simply cut to my child.

The days were long. It was desperately tried to create a good and enjoyable timetable, as the rain seemed to have fallen into mind and away from us, and became increasingly imprisonment in her imagination. My mother was afraid, afraid of wide open spaces. Now my daughter was also superior whenever we went out, as we brought back the most difficult memories of my childhood.

At this time, my dose was raised to three Percocet a day.

Specialized that we saw a few weeks after noting her Rainy birthday party in having wide tests. We were finally called to hear the results, and we reached nervousness and hope. I listened impatiently to a long list of degrees and percentages until the doctor used the word “autism”.

While I was staring at her frankly, she said: “You must reduce your expectations. Its development will be slow, and you may never be independent.”

When we got out of the office, he left Johnny and started crying. This is goodI thought, One of us needs to feel something. I thought I needed to hide my own feelings. We cannot destroy both of them at the same time.

However, I promised myself that I would appear for rain. I decided to leave my career on documentary television to confront the challenge of interfering, and to collect a team of professionals specializing in speech therapy, professional therapy, behavior modification, social skills, and coordination.

What I did not notice is that when I was putting everything in my daughter, I was also losing myself. Now, you are up to five Percocets per day. I needed a gesture to escape the unbearable awareness that I might not be able to be a hero of my daughter to flourish. But what I was doing really was working on a walking device. You need to find the sidewalk again.

When Rainy turned 3 and a half, she became unexpectedly pregnant again. We could not determine whether or not the pregnancy will be preserved.

What if a new brother proves that he is harmful to Rainy’s development? How do you interact? Then there were positives. What if this is supposed to be? What if her brother comforted her? Dr. Spok did not cover this puzzle.

My mother told me: “If you have this child, you will destroy Renai’s life.”

Will that be? After many nights that turned the topic around and around, we decided to have a miscarriage. My mother’s words rang in my ears around the clock, every hour, for a long time. Have I made the decision to abort for my mother or rain? For me and me? I am still wondering to this day.

Johnny and I have come out of miscarriage day after day. The world, the world of rain, was fragile. We have avoided most birthday parties and we refused to play, which were diminishing anyway. I began to feel that we were characters from a porcelain from a family.

Now, you’re up to 10 PercoCet a day sometimes, as I wanted to go beyond more and more of my life. Slipping was far from a person’s life to a fog caused by one thing, but slipping away from the demands of the child who is struggling, they felt a crime.

But the fourth year of Rainy brought improvements. You can talk. She was making more eye contact and completing tasks. She was taking her meals sitting in The table in restaurants and not under the furniture. She was able to attend pre -school with an individual “shadow” teacher. She even danced to “Crazy in Love” at the school talent exhibition. The Earth felt contempt, and Johnny and I began to discuss the possibility of developing our family again, which made me feel terrifying and optimistic.