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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
You once described someone’s former girlfriend as behaving like a wife who “played the long game.” I could not understand what that meant and looked it up on Google.
It was like an “AHA” moment for me. This is when I realized this is EXACTLY what the wife of my married boyfriend is doing to him. And also to me.
My boyfriend “Edgar” finally told his wife of 26 years that he was leaving her for me. She knows me. I was his secretary for 15 years. Then he forced me to quit and has been supporting me since.
Four years ago, Edward confessed to his wife that he was leaving her for me. She called me all sorts of ugly names, making fun of how unpolished I was when I first started working for him but that didn’t work.
He remained loyal to me.
When he went so far as to pack his bags, she said she was wrong, could understand why he fell for me, and had accepted his decision. But she begged him not to leave until their first born (then 19) graduated from college.
He waited.
Then it was for his twin daughters to graduate two years after. She was worried it would affect their mental health. Total waiting time is now 4 years! .
I have been patient all this time. Edgar is very generous when he explains why he cannot leave just yet. Plus I love him. But his youngest is only 13 and I am worried she will convince him to stay until she graduates.
I am already 32 (Edgar is already 47). I want to have a baby so our family will be complete.
Do I have to wait until all his children graduate until we are finally together? He tells me we are as good as married since she already knows of my presence. His colleagues, my friends, his friends also know. It is only his children who don’t.
His wife has convinced him he would be unreasonable to leave before all his kids graduate from college since she has accepted our relationship. All she asks is that he keeps it from the children until they graduate college.
I want to play the long game too. But how can I guarantee I win?
Please help,
Ida
Dear Ida,
You are indeed in a long game but it’s not yours. Instead you’re trapped in someone else’s game, where the rules keep changing and you can never actually win.
Let’s examine what’s really happening here. Edgar’s wife isn’t “playing the long game” to eventually lose her husband. She is playing to keep her marriage, her family, and her financial security, intact — and it’s working. Every deadline she sets gets Edgar to stay a little longer, and each time he agrees, it underlines that she, not you, has the real power in this triangle.
In four years, she’s moved the goalposts from one child’s graduation to the twins’ graduation to now potentially waiting until a 13-year-old graduates — that’s nine more years. By then, you’ll be 41, Edgar will be 56, and who knows what new “reasonable” delay she’ll propose?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: A man who truly wants to leave will leave.
After 26 years of marriage and four years of promises to you, Edgar has shown you exactly where his priorities lie. He’s comfortable with this arrangement where he gets to keep his family life intact while having you waiting in the wings, financially dependent on him.
You ask how to guarantee you win this long game, but you’re asking the wrong question.
The real question is: Why are you willing to spend your prime childbearing years waiting for a man who has never once chosen you over the convenience of staying put?
If you want children and a committed partner, stop waiting for Edgar to leave his wife.
Start building a life where you’re someone’s first choice, not their backup plan disguised as a “sure thing.”
Your adversary in this game isn’t the wife — it’s time. And time will always win.
All the best,
JAF Baer
Dear Ida,
Thank you very much for your letter. You are right: The one who plays the long game when it comes to relationships (as opposed to politics, business, etc) is the person who is willing to suffer a few setbacks to get what she wants in the end.
At first, Edgar’s wife (let’s call her Gina) behaved like many wives do when they discover their husbands fooling around: they denigrate the woman, criticizing anything they can about “these women.”
Criticizing you did not work with Edgar, and Gina was smart enough to change her tactics when she realized this.
That’s when she started playing the long game. She swallowed her pride, acknowledged Edgar loved you and not her and as if these were not enough setbacks, she begged him to stay for their oldest son’s sake.
Ordinarily, this is almost an impossible task for a wife to do…UNLESS someone like Gina decides it is far better to “agree” with Edgar that you have replaced her and no longer fight with him about you.
My guess is Gina knows what kind of man Edgar is. She knows that he will be so grateful that she accepted things so well that he will want to be as gracious to her also.
This is when Gina will ask him to stay, to “pretend” they are still an intact, happy family. Since Edgar won’t have to stay forever… just until his first born graduates, he has no problem saying yes.
That is Gina’s foot in the door, her first “victory” in her own long game. There are other tiny victories, like every time Edgar agrees to stay a little longer, playing happy families.
She has convinced him that his delays in leaving her for you are mere minor setbacks because, after all, it isn’t long now before you and Edgar can be together forever for all to see.
With such a prize at the end, who can be so churlish as to demand he leave immediately?
I do not know if Gina’s long game includes his not leaving at all; but even if it doesn’t, it seems to me she has gotten what she wants: Since Edgar has not said anything to you about where all this is going, one might presume he is comfortable being her husband until someone puts their foot down.
And if you do, you will come out the loser: the hysterical, over-vigilant girlfriend who sees danger where there (supposedly) is none.
You ask us how you can win this game?
I’m afraid I have no answer. My suggestion would be not to play any games at all. The stakes are just too high should you lose…which, at the moment, seems inevitable.
That sounds HORRIBLE, I know, perhaps because it is. No one likes losing. And yet…if you have to be devious and manipulative to win, then maybe it is better you don’t?
Someone once said: “Even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat.”
If Edgar sees the light, apologizes for taking you for granted and lives with you right now, terrific!
But if he doesn’t, please pleeeeease write to us again? It will not make the pain or loneliness go away, but I promise you will find a self you like and believe in soon after.
All the best,
MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.
