The awkward sex life change becomes amazing

“Do you want to have sex Tuesday night this week?” My husband asked me early in our relationship.

“Sure,” I said, thinking it a little weird that we were setting up a date to have sex. “Shouldn’t we do it when we want to? Why the need to put it on the calendar?”

“Well, I’ll be working nights for the next few days, and then I’ll have my daughter. It’s not that easy,” he said.

When we started drawing in pencil in intimate moments, we felt awkward and embarrassed. But in the chaos of juggling multiple careers and blended families, I realized he was right. It has become a necessity. What surprised me most was that even after the kids were gone and we were working less, we still preferred to know in advance when “date night” was on the books. More than 20 years later, we still feel that way.

I admit, it was difficult at first to shake off the nagging feeling that our sex life was lackluster — even though it wasn’t — because it wasn’t the product of unbridled, spontaneous lust. But the older I get, the more clearly I see the harm done by letting others decide what should or shouldn’t turn us on.

For decades, women have been told that orgasms resulting from vaginal penetration are the only real orgasms, even though… Most of us don’t come off that way. Because it’s rare to see other couples having sex unless we’re watching them on screen, Hollywood has led us to believe that all couples orgasm simultaneously while moaning loudly and that no one ever loses an erection.

Hot sex is filmed as both parties tear each other’s clothes off in a carnal fever – but when does it happen? It’s usually only during the first part of the relationship when you can’t keep your hands off each other. This would happen later, perhaps, if you had not seen each other for a long time, and almost always if sex was forbidden and had to be conducted surreptitiously.

If raw emotion is present in your cards, good for you. But the truth is, wanting to have sex at the same time as your partner is a lot rarer than the media thinks — especially for women. in her Come As You Are: The Amazing New Science That Will Change Your Sex Life Sex educator Emily Nagoski distinguishes between “spontaneous” and “responsive” desire, and writes about how while most men first feel aroused and then become aroused, the opposite is true for women, most of whom need to be aroused first to feel desired. She argues that pleasure should be the focus, not sexual desire. For this reason, arranged sex is particularly suitable for women. It removes the pressure of immediate arousal, allowing us to prepare for and anticipate intimacy without having to invoke desire on demand.

Of course some people think that planned sex is an oxymoron, tainted by an unsexy hookup—a task that must be completed. But I find the opposite to be true and I agree with my sex and relationship therapist Esther Perelwhich tells us to think of scheduled sex as prolonged foreplay. The anticipation is hot.

Although planned sex may actually be more conducive to good sex, it is still viewed as inferior. A Study 2023 In the Journal of Sex Research I found that most participants said spontaneous sex was better, while at the same time reporting that they got a similar degree of satisfaction from planned sex. The study suggested that this apparent contradiction may be a result of the belief that unplanned sex is more “authentic.”

For me, though, scheduled sex is just as authentic, if not more so, because it allows for a slow boil. On the day I know we’re going to make love, there’s a little part of me that thinks about it all day, and I love knowing that my partner is thinking about it too. Sometimes we exchange texts about what lies ahead. I also enjoy preparing myself in advance.

Apparently planned sex is a lot more sexually charged than Hollywood gives it credit for. Additionally, this may reduce the likelihood that someone will sleep with unmet needs or feel like they have to have sex out of obligation.

It may also mean that you are likely to get more of it. “Committed sex is premeditated sex: … it’s very planned,” Beryl He told Kinfolk magazine. “If you wait for it to happen, it won’t happen.”

This is correct. Once it starts getting late, there are a lot of things I rush to do at the end of the day, like loading the dishwasher and wiping down the counters. Or maybe I’m in the middle of a good book, or finally getting some writing momentum. The truth is, sex is rarely at the top of my to-do list.

I know I’m not alone. Studies have been conducted in the United States, the United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, and Japan Found The frequency of sexual intercourse, including among young people, is declining, possibly due to factors ranging from the availability of sexually explicit media to increased use of computer games. This decline is worrying research It shows that sexual activity may affect fertility, relationship satisfaction and various aspects of an individual’s physical health – including reducing the risk of cancer and heart disease.

But maintaining regular sexual contact can be difficult, especially in more established relationships with competing commitments. When we know in advance that it’s a sex night, we plan our day accordingly, making it less likely that our plans will be disrupted. Makes sex a priority.

And while I’m definitely a proponent of sex by appointment, I’m not saying that schedules should be strictly adhered to or that I’m not a fan of unexpected afternoon delight. Instead, if you only have sex when you think you want it, you can easily fall into a sexual drought, which can be difficult to break. Research confirms that the old adage “use it or lose it” is true when it comes to sex for both men and slim.

It makes sense that having pleasurable sex regularly makes you want to have more of it, but I’ve heard a lot of post-menopausal women say they don’t care about sex anymore. I wonder how many of them have written off their libido because they think they should be spontaneously sexy when they’re not.

What bothers me is that the topic of scheduled coupling doesn’t get much airtime. It’s not a topic you hear a lot about in books or movies. I don’t remember this happening among my friends. Other people may be in the closet about this because they also don’t want others to consider their gender uninspiring. Or maybe it seems too intimate with the details, like sharing how much money you make.

Regardless, if we don’t challenge the sexual “rules” our culture tries to impose on us, we will limit our options for pleasure and connection. I want to celebrate how well sex by appointment has worked for us even though there probably won’t be a movie showing sex on Tuesday night. By embracing the idea that only my partner and I can define what constitutes “good sex,” we ensure that we will not only have more of it, but that it will also be more fulfilling and passionate.

Sarina Nieman is a grant writer living in western Massachusetts. She has worked with dozens of human rights groups on issues ranging from digital privacy to affordable housing. Her pieces have been featured in The sound of peace and Cabin life.

This article originally appeared on HuffPost In December 2024.